What is Negative-Positive HIV?
This is a concept that I came up with, based in my own experience. It means when people with huge amount of inner-conflicts and traumas get a positive HIV diagnosis.
How do you know if you are a Negative-Positive individual?
You know you have lots of issues, life is difficult even before your diagnosis, you may have enjoyed very good overall health throughout your life or not. Besides how healthy your body was or is, your mind felt always in crisis. You have lots of addictions (people, foods, substances, beliefs), fears, insecurities, and sets of behaviours that are unhealthy and keep you trapped in a very limiting reality about yourself. All this is true, even before your diagnosis but normally found its peak of crisis around the time you got your positive HIV status.
There are some very simple answers to very complicated questions. But you need to learn to listen before they can begin to actually make sense to you. If you are like me, it doesn't matter how much easier life would be if you simply listen and don't react. Instead, find balance, congruence and wisdom before you decide your next move. But we don't do that, do you?
- You are very emotional, and tend to react (mostly negatively) towards anything happening in your life. If someone says YES, you say NO. If someone says DO THIS, you do the exact opposite. I believe this is a way to feel independent and a true attribute of your soul. However, when you don't have clarity of mind and many things feel so wrong inside, its very difficult to be able to stand back and not react to the circumstances happening to you and around you. And that is OK. At this point it's simply a matter of acknowledging and becoming aware.
AFTER YOUR DIAGNOSIS
What happens when you choose not to medicate yourself?
First, you feel like your own hero. feel proud and secure but this feeling normally lasts only few seconds. Next, you PANIC!
When the traumatised mind takes over your inicial 'feeling good' state you begin to question yourself, listening to other people opinions more than your gut feeling and then the real problem begins... you doubt, and doubt a lot....and that is when all goes to hell.
A vist to hell, actually is not that bad
What happens when you doubt is you create a conflict between your mind and soul. One thinks you need to listen to doctors, media and people around you; your soul feel you can trust your gut and believe you can do it. Prepare, this battle is like nothing you have experienced before. This is definitely a fight between life and death. Oh yes, this can definitely kill you. If you're not prepared and your faith is weak you will end very sick and eventually dead or back to your doctor friends and under HIV medication right after they clean the mess you created.
Meet your demons
Many many times your faith and resolutions will be tested. You will get sick and all the typical signs of AIDS will apear. Oh, fuck yeah! here is a list of this beauties:
- Candidiasis
- Diarea
- Weight loss
- Depression
- Pneumonia
- Sarcoma (cancer)
- Skin problems
- And a shit load more of your favs demons and fears.
These have to become your new best friends and opponents in your battle for survival. Depending on how deep in shit you are, you'll find that the challenge is tailored to match.
Let the battle begin: 1st round
Right now, you know your need to do something about your health and life, but have no idea what to do. Your life is upside down, either because it already was upside or because the new diagnosis put it that way. Demons (anything and everything that brings you down) begin the fight for your soul (joy, peace, clarity) and make the first move.
All goes down the drain: 2nd round
After your initial victory, your self-esteem builds up, confidence goes to the roof, you feel stronger, happier and bloody powerful. By this time you feel you can extinguish hell with the power of your farts and that evil have been defeated.... Little that you know, its only part of the game and very soon you feel like something is very wrong...AGAIN!
After then initial shock, and once you have digested the idea of your positive diagnosis, you'll begin to think that you can now begin to pick up the pieces and restore your life... But restore it to what? To the way it was before? But before was already shit, you just didn't have a HIV diagnosis. Then restore to life to what? By this time, which normally occur only few months after becoming aware of your new status, you need to choose and take massive and constant leaps of faith: Either you believe you can heal yourself, change your lifestyle, your behaviour, your mind, look for support mechanisms, learn new things about yourself, or... realise there are many ways to heal and choose not take medication or believe that you believe you can't do this and believe you need to be healed by others and start your retro-viral treatment.
What happens when you choose not to medicate yourself?
First, you feel like your own hero. feel proud and secure but this feeling normally lasts only few seconds. Next, you PANIC!
When the traumatised mind takes over your inicial 'feeling good' state you begin to question yourself, listening to other people opinions more than your gut feeling and then the real problem begins... you doubt, and doubt a lot....and that is when all goes to hell.
A vist to hell, actually is not that bad
What happens when you doubt is you create a conflict between your mind and soul. One thinks you need to listen to doctors, media and people around you; your soul feel you can trust your gut and believe you can do it. Prepare, this battle is like nothing you have experienced before. This is definitely a fight between life and death. Oh yes, this can definitely kill you. If you're not prepared and your faith is weak you will end very sick and eventually dead or back to your doctor friends and under HIV medication right after they clean the mess you created.
Meet your demons
Many many times your faith and resolutions will be tested. You will get sick and all the typical signs of AIDS will apear. Oh, fuck yeah! here is a list of this beauties:
- Candidiasis
- Diarea
- Weight loss
- Depression
- Pneumonia
- Sarcoma (cancer)
- Skin problems
- And a shit load more of your favs demons and fears.
These have to become your new best friends and opponents in your battle for survival. Depending on how deep in shit you are, you'll find that the challenge is tailored to match.
Let the battle begin: 1st round
Right now, you know your need to do something about your health and life, but have no idea what to do. Your life is upside down, either because it already was upside or because the new diagnosis put it that way. Demons (anything and everything that brings you down) begin the fight for your soul (joy, peace, clarity) and make the first move.
At this point, you begin to worry about absolutely EVERYTHING, and your life feels like a massive limbo where nothing moves and everything feels threatening. You fear it to death, but nevertheless try very hard to find evidence that something really wrong is going on.
Your demons take another blow at you and that puts you out of balance. Now you start loosing appetite and therefore weight too. A big part of your mind thinks this is because the HIV; another part of you doesn't know what's wrong, although you are certain there's something wrong with you. You just don't know what is it or how not to feel that way.
Now you begin to look, and even obsess with everything that is not right. Your weight, the tone of your skin, the way everything feels. Everything feels like shit. (even more than before your diagnosis). Now, your demons start to feel confident and send you another blow, this time in the way of your family and friends. This is the lowest of all blows as they use your love, and fear of loosing what you love to take away any particle of faith away from you.
Your loved ones come to you beging for reconsideration, a sensible mind to listen to what is been said to you and go back to the clinic and take your medication. They rather see you deployed of any inner-confidence and self-belief than dead. - Oh.... this is a very low blow. Your Demons take advantage of your guilt, shame and fear in life and make you feel even worse than what you already felt before. After, this punch, that probably landed you inside a bottle of wine or something, trying to escape the massive pain of not-knowing how to change things, yourself, your conditions, the way people see you, etc... then, once you touched rock bottom (yet again) you realise is time to get up and raise again, building up your courage and with tears in your eyes you say: I CAN DO IT.
Demons and their teammates retreat to rethink strategies. You won the battle and there's a spark of optimism and strength... but you haven't won the war.
All goes down the drain: 2nd round
After your initial victory, your self-esteem builds up, confidence goes to the roof, you feel stronger, happier and bloody powerful. By this time you feel you can extinguish hell with the power of your farts and that evil have been defeated.... Little that you know, its only part of the game and very soon you feel like something is very wrong...AGAIN!
You have no idea what could it be and wait until you cannot longer breathe, or horrible dark spots appear on your skin to run back to the HIV clinic like a frighten pussy asking for forgiveness and promising to be a good girl from now on.
They cure your wounds, put you in hospital, save you from imminent death and show you how cancer and possibly pneumonia can kill you if you don't listen to them.
You go back home with a bag full of medications under your arm and feel stupid for having reached so a low point in your life. That bag of medicines feels like a signed treaty with the devil where you sold your soul away. But now you know you will survive at least for 20 more years and that someone is taking care of you. You begin to believe in them and all is well.... Point to your Demons.... ONE ALL.
Holding on for a hero: The final Round
Life by now couldn't feel better. You gained back your weight, going to the gym feels like a walk in the park, you feel strong, sexy, beautiful, no worries about life and death and your energy levels reach they peak. You can't remember when was the last time you felt this good....
You go back home with a bag full of medications under your arm and feel stupid for having reached so a low point in your life. That bag of medicines feels like a signed treaty with the devil where you sold your soul away. But now you know you will survive at least for 20 more years and that someone is taking care of you. You begin to believe in them and all is well.... Point to your Demons.... ONE ALL.
Holding on for a hero: The final Round
Life by now couldn't feel better. You gained back your weight, going to the gym feels like a walk in the park, you feel strong, sexy, beautiful, no worries about life and death and your energy levels reach they peak. You can't remember when was the last time you felt this good....
Oh yes, you do remember... You remember when life was artificially enhanced, when you where taking all the illegal and recreational drugs available in the market into every orifice in your body. From steroids, pills, drinks, powders, etc.... Oh yes, you do remember how much you enjoyed getting fucked and you smile to yourself :)
But then, like a blow from Thor's hammer, you also remember the ugly reality, the very low lows and the spastic guilt and shame that came every time afterwards, during the "coming down".
Something gets triggered within your heart, and once again the questions begin to warm up in your heart and mind. - Is this the best I can do?
Signs begin to apear and your spirit wakes up little by little every time you see 11:11 or 3:33 [Nil poi]
Wow, what the hell is going on?
Well my friend, I'm sorry to have to tell you but, you are mistaken. This is not hell, in fact this is heaven. You realise, you have a hidden card you didn't even know you had. THE FUCKING UNIVERSE IS BEHIND YOU and suddenly all goes mad. You through your pills down the toilet, you announce your new decision to your family and friends. Everybody thinks you're crazy, your mom cries but understands she needs to let you go, your friends some abandone you, others believe in you. But the best of all is that YOU FOUND A LITTLE BELIEF IN YOURSELF. Fucking hell, this time you can do it! You know you wont die but even if you do, it is better to die fighting than to live in chuckles. WE ARE FREE and with this, you'll always win, we are winners of our own destiny. We choose to be whatever we feel like being and we feel great. We know this is only the beginning but we are not afraid and if we are, at least the fears are not stronger than your faith. AND YOU ARE HAPPY once again :)
xXx
-Eduardo
- When you beecome self-aware and ready to take 3 conscious deep long breaths every 30 min all day-every day, you may say you are in your path. THE MOMENT you beecome aware of EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE, all the time, to the point of not been able to think anything else but of making life happens within you, then and only then you can say you have achieved ENLIGHTENMENT.... and I have, IAM.
What to know my Secrets?
http://www.tappilini.com
Wow, what the hell is going on?
Well my friend, I'm sorry to have to tell you but, you are mistaken. This is not hell, in fact this is heaven. You realise, you have a hidden card you didn't even know you had. THE FUCKING UNIVERSE IS BEHIND YOU and suddenly all goes mad. You through your pills down the toilet, you announce your new decision to your family and friends. Everybody thinks you're crazy, your mom cries but understands she needs to let you go, your friends some abandone you, others believe in you. But the best of all is that YOU FOUND A LITTLE BELIEF IN YOURSELF. Fucking hell, this time you can do it! You know you wont die but even if you do, it is better to die fighting than to live in chuckles. WE ARE FREE and with this, you'll always win, we are winners of our own destiny. We choose to be whatever we feel like being and we feel great. We know this is only the beginning but we are not afraid and if we are, at least the fears are not stronger than your faith. AND YOU ARE HAPPY once again :)
xXx
-Eduardo
- When you beecome self-aware and ready to take 3 conscious deep long breaths every 30 min all day-every day, you may say you are in your path. THE MOMENT you beecome aware of EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE, all the time, to the point of not been able to think anything else but of making life happens within you, then and only then you can say you have achieved ENLIGHTENMENT.... and I have, IAM.
What to know my Secrets?
http://www.tappilini.com
